Meet Marla, my over-achieving voice

"Marla"

The over-achieving voice with high expectations is ever so present in my life and has driven the car for way too long. I'm not sure how long she's been around and how she was even created. Probably a combination of my parents voices, my community's voice, society's which tells us that success equals this and that, and of course my own voice that I've created based on all those things. I call this voice Marla. Don't ask me why because I don't know. Just Marla.

All I know is that she's strong, direct and very very persistent. She wants what she wants and that's it. Figure it out. Oh and there's about a million things on the to-do list. No time for a break, a pause, a moment of stillness. Stillness means not working, not moving forward. Stillness is for those who have "accomplished" what they needed to accomplish, for those who have "made it". And where's the bar? As high as the eye can see. She means well, like a parent with their child, but does more harm than  anything else.

I met this voice clearly last night through an improvised exercise that Andrea led me through. It was evident this voice needed to be confronted and dealt with before we could move on, before the show can really develop into its full potential.

The exercise began with me in my old room when I was a teenager. I imagined everything in it and even showed Andrea an old album I had of childhood photos and one special picture of my late sister. At one point, I decided to leave but the door was locked. After calling out for my parents and little brother, I realized I was home alone, trapped in my room. I thought of doing some creative things like scrapbooking, reading or writing but eventually got bored. I thought of climbing out the window but that might mean breaking a body part, so of course, I didn't go that route. The exercise eventually transformed into something else and then Marla appeared, boldly taking up her space.

Through this powerful exercise, it became very clear to me that it was this voice that made me feel pressured, contained, trapped, heavy, confused, unmotivated and sleepy at times when I felt there was just too much to do. Well, I'm sick and tired of listening to her. She has served me up until now and I'm grateful for all it has created with and through me. Now, I'm telling her to shut her face and move it along!

Do you have that voice or something similar to that? The one that you can never please, never live up to because they make it humanly impossible? I don't know about you but I'm done with that biatch. She's too needy and bossy.

I am now inviting a loving, nurturing, supportive and enthusiastic voice to take the lead. To come forth when I'm feeling like there's too much to do. She will say "Slow down. Take your time. Do one thing intentionally, attentively, excellently and completely before doing the next. And find the pleasure in everything you do. You have everything you need. You just have to share your talents." (I'm imagining the Mom from the "Cosby Show").

I like her much better. I want to spend time with her. She loves me for all that I am and all that I'm not. We're going to be besties.

1st Rehearsal: The Power of Movement

I want to talk about the power of movement.

About a month ago, I had my first rehearsal with Andrea (director for "Someone Between"). You'll be hearing her name a lot as we dive back into rehearsals starting Wednesday. Anyhow, after our rehearsal together, I stayed behind to sit with what was happening in the moment for me and perhaps go further with the exploration. Something extraordinary happened for me after that.

To give you a bit of context about what it is that I'm rehearsing, the play is a biographical one-woman show. Actually, it's more of a semi-autobiographical piece that I wrote years ago. Only people who really know me can pinpoint which details of the story are created and what's true. But it is based and rooted in truth, at least my truth growing up bicultural, like most of Canada. I'm a first generation Canadian. Came here when I was six so I don't remember much. It tells the story of my challenges growing in this new home that I was trying to fit into while dealing with my traditional upbringing. It's been mounted numerous times in Montreal and now I'm ready to bring it to Toronto with fresh direction.

Going back to that first rehearsal I mentioned, Andrea took me through an exercise where I walked us through my life since birth. I know, sounds insane! I suddenly got really self-conscious about the stories I was sharing, how I was sharing it, how long I was taking to share it. She would pause at certain points in my sharing and we would play out that moment, switching between characters. Totally improvised, of course, until she felt it was time to move on. Needless to say, we didn't get halfway through my life before the end of our rehearsal. We just completed my parents journey through the Thai jungle, barely making it to  the refugee camp.

So as our rehearsal came to an end, I was left with these images living in and through my body. I couldn't quite shake it off yet so I decided to stay and see where I could take things on my own. I started the way I always start, just moving in which ever way my body wanted to. And as I did that, I came to this posture of strength. I felt as if I was my mother. She stood there terrified, looking ahead at the risky unknown, a vast jungle inhabited by tigers and poisonous snakes, and soldiers holding war guns hiding in the bushes. And yet in this state of complete fear, she knew what she had to do. She looks over at her husband (my Father). He looks back at her. Standing there, side by side, hand in hand, they look ahead at what could be the story of a lifetime, or the beginning of the end of both their lives and the life of their three-year old daughter (me). There was no turning back now. They had committed to it and they were ready for anything.

This image, the thoughts that I imagined must have gone through both their minds, dropped in for me and I let in a huge gasp of air and started to cry. I cried out of pity for these two courageous people. I cried for our survival and arrival to Canada. And most importantly, I cried for the immense love and trust they had for each other to embark on this crazy journey together. I had never had so much love and respect for them until then.

I've performed this show on numerous stages and that image has never come to me. I believe I just wasn't open to it. I CANNOT wait to discover what other gems I'll discover in the process.

This is only the beginning. And I hope you stick with me till the end.

Writing Blocks

I must have sat there 4 times looking at my list of blog ideas. I thought they were great at the time. What's making me unsure now? Not sure if you do this, but I talk myself out of things a lot. It's quite easy actually.

I was blocked. When the idea first came, I felt like I could write hours about it. And now, seems like a fleeting thought.

I sit here thinking what I should write next, what readers will think of, if I'll regret any of it. Will anyone care? Do I care that everyone cares? Or do I just need to speak whatever, where ever I'm at and let it just be? Existing in some place and time.

So why are we so friggin' self-critical as human beings? Now I know I'm not the only one. We've done what we've done and we there's always something  more we could have done, it seems.

I tried to stall for as long as I could until I noticed the signs were all pointing to me writing. I made the excuse that my brother was coming over soon and we were going for a hike so there was no point in starting now. Then he calls me saying he'll be another hour. I thought, Damn it! That means I actually have to start. And I'm glad I did because in the midst of not know what to write, distractions pulling me here and there, I also remembered that I took some beautiful photos of my grand-parents' framed photos. I've never been that close to them and I saw things that surprised me. I'll be sharing what those things are in my next blog, along with more photos.

To doing things "perfectly", I say screw it! Just jump in and see where things go. You'll figure it out. Isn't that we're all doing on this planet? Just trying to figure it all out? No one has the right answers. Just ideas, schools of thoughts, guidelines, theories, best practices, imagination and the rest we just plug in ourselves.

I am giving myself permission to be imperfect,
human,
wrong,
scared,
joyful,
uncertain,
powerful,
unapologetic,
unstoppable
and fabulous.


~Chantria

One-Woman Show? How self-indulgent!

Look, just as much as anyone else you ask, I thought "One woman show? How self-indulgent!"

And then...I wrote one.

About three years ago, I began to write my thoughts down. What began as memories and confessions of my growing up turned into a one-woman show called "Someone Between". It took it's first breath on stage as a staged reading as part of Concordia University's Art Matters Festival in 2008. I was pleasantly surprised by the audience's reaction and thought, "maybe there's something to this". The play premiered in full at Le Monument National under the direction of Milena Buziak and it has been invited to present at several institutions and festivals across Montreal, such as Centaur Theatre's Annual Wildside Festival in 2010.

It's been 3 years now that I've put it aside. I guess I needed some space from myself. I've always felt that I would return to it when the impulse came, when the need to speak the story came again. And for one reason or another, the time is now.

This blog is about my journey back into this story I've created years ago. It's being remounted with new direction by Andrea Thring (Actress, Director and Drama Therapist) and will premiere in Toronto in the Fall of 2013. I'll be sharing as openly and honestly as I can during this process as I dive back into rehearsals, fight with my new director and hesitantly share with you some good and some embarrassing behind the scenes photos and videos along the way. I'll lay bare my real moment-to-moment thoughts on this whole crazy journey for you all to mock.

As I do this, I encourage you to engage with me. Comment on the blogs and share them. Let me know what you think. Let's have a conversation. Even better, I encourage you to write your stories down. You just never know what they will transform into. Maybe a book, a blog, a screenplay, a play?

You might also want to check out the trailer I created for the International Colloquium in Montreal.

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Here we go...

Until next time,
Chantria